There was a scientist who was scornful of everything that was not scientific. He harbored particular contempt for people who believed in things like ESP and ghosts. One day a study came out in a very legitimate and well respected journal of psychology that ESP was actually real! Like for real for real! The scholars behind the study said that proud, scornful science types like the proud, scornful scientist should seriously recognize and wring their caps and feel sheepish. Empiricists and natural scientists everywhere are so pissed. Meanwhile, the government goes, great! They hire a bunch of psychics and fortune tellers in the justice department and as detectives and consultants. Scientists are getting madder and madder, especially this one scientist who is honestly kind of an asshole to begin with. One day the Angry Scientist’s young son, who is the apple of the scientist’s eye and endlessly doted upon by the Angry Scientist and the Angry Scientist’s wife and indoctrinated by the Angry Scientist, gets kidnapped! The police look all over town and then the state for weeks but no one can find him. Finally, a psychic comes in and sniffs the kid’s baseball hat and instantly is like, oh, he’s in Rockaway at a jewelry store where he gets Mcdonalds whenever and plays with lifesize ceramic Dalmations. He’s fine. They go pick him up and the Angry Scientist and his wife are SO SO relieved and happy. They donate a ton of money to psychics’ unions and nonprofits that support paranormal research. Later, the Scientist finds out later that his son is psychic! And the psychic detective who found him actually has the Shining with the Scientist’s kid. So the Angry Scientist knows that in case he ever goes crazy and kills his family, the psychic detective with the Shining will know and maybe intervene. This is a comfort to the Scientist and allows him to chill out a little bit. Things are pretty good until the son grows up and hosts a TV show where he talks about the past lives of peoples’ dogs. The Scientist is mad again until some more scholars discover that dogs definitely have past lives and everybody should just shut up about it. By now the Scientist is old as hell and doesn’t care too much about anything besides binoculars.
It would be so sad if there was a little girl with one leg slightly shorter than the other whose biggest dream in life was to be a Rockette someday. And she dreamed really hard and took gymnastics and hormones and leg-strengthening compounds and corrective high-heeled shoes until one day, despite her deformity, she makes it all the way to the Rockettes! In fact, since she’s so passionate and determined, she gets to be the head Rockette! But there’s this other Rockette who’s just slightly lower in the Rockette pecking order and she is J-E-A-L-O-U-S. So she rigs up the tip of the heel on the girl’s corrective shoe to be all wobbly and sabotage the girl on opening night of the big Spectacular. Then, when they’re all coming out onstage for the big finish, with Short Leg Head Rockette about to perform a crucial duty of the Lead Rockette, which is to kick a major kick, the major kick that’s supposed to cue all the other Rockettes to kick at the same time, the tip of the heel on her corrective shoe comes flying off and lands in the audience. Short Leg stumbles and for a second there it’s touch and go but then she recovers and the show goes on. Short Leg Leader even leans into the mic and makes a great joke about “just the tip”. The audience laughs because it’s funny and startling to see a Rockette talk. They leave feeling a little wiser and more expansive and generally better as people. But then the Jealous Lesser Rockette is so hopping mad that at the afterparty that she drinks too much and gets really sloppy and vulnerable. Since the other Rockettes always sensed that she was mean and petty in spirit, they just roll their eyes and let her embarrass herself. But the lead Rockette with the short leg, she feels compassion for the Jealous Rockette and at the end of the night she’s the one who puts Jealous in a cab and sends her home. It’s sad, thinks Short Leg Lead Rockette. All the other Rockettes think it’s sad too.
This would NEVER happen. Okay? Don’t give me that look. Spontaneous radial mammioplosion is a myth invented by Hans Christian Andersen to scare neotenes. What?
big, funny Mickey Mouse stitches
the joke of offspring and why it’s not cool to laugh
panel from a couch story
Your over-the-counter frozen spinach pancakes are heart healthy, fairly priced, and delicious, but they’re sure no cure for a broken heart. Or hand warts.
no look pass